Funeral for a Friend....

I farewelled one of my oldest and dearest friends last week. She was farewelled by a church full of friends and family (I commented that I doubted my funeral would attract as many! ) she was a good person and she died at the hand of someone who had professed to love her.

We met at university in 1989 both keen to recommence our nursing studies which we had started in the old hospital system but for different reasons both discontinued, however the passion for nursing was always there and it bought us together.

We were like chalk and cheese and we were a living example of "opposites attracting"  we became firm friends, and she became part of our extended family, so much so that my friend was a Doula http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Doula  for my sister while was  in labour having her twin boys.

She revelled in my family of 4 children and never came empty-handed to the house knowing that there were 4 little  children who eagerly anticipated her arrival always with a treat,   usually something sweet! After university our careers took different directions but we stayed in touch just as much as we had during university, probably even more so, as life dealt its challenges for us to overcome over the years.

She was a very intelligent woman, indeed it was our friendly rivalry that was the cornerstone of our friendship, we were always competing to see who got the most distinctions, the best reports for their work etc etc. She went on to do midwifery, and a masters in public health which saw her undertake work with the most disadvantaged and marginalised people in our society and she loved it!

I used to laugh at her to get a real job like the rest of us, you know a 9-5 job, but the life of regular routine was not for her, it would interfere with her belly dancing class, visiting family and friends and of course the travel, she loved to travel be it in Australia or overseas.

Many of her friends wanted to know how such a intelligent, beautiful and kind woman did not have someone else in her life, she used to say she was too fussy, or not interested but I suspect that like all of us she secretly wanted someone to share her life with.

Then she was introduced to "him", I am admitting a bias here already as I did not like him from the first time I met him, but I was prepared to tolerate him if it made my friend happy.  And it did... for a while and then things, no she began to change.

She was never available for our "girl time" lunches or visits, because "he" might have a job or didn't have a job and she would have to look after him, indeed,  he never had a job the 7 years he was with my friend, she supported him the entire time, although he was introduced to her as "financially indepandant" ( from the .com era supposdly ).

The visits became less and the emails and phone messages dropped off over the last 2 years. She could not come to my Big Event birthday because "He" might have a job and they couldn't get away for the night! This was not the woman I knew of old, she would have come as a strong independent woman and proud to it!

During the last 12 months I spoke with my friend about 4 times always with "him" present, it seemed she was not allowed to be alone with me (or probably anyone), we wondered what she she continued to see in him. He was a man with no past, no family, and we were never told his surname or any anecdotes from his past:  the story given was "he had a falling-out with his family and does not have anything to do with them".  She came from a large, loving European migrant family and this was an anathema to their culture.

Recently I saw a visible crack appear in the relationship, my friend had inherited some money and wanted to buy a little place down the south coast but "he" wanted a place on the north coast. We spent a day with them showing them places around us,  but for "him" it was not right, even though my friend enthused widely about the places we showed them.

As regular readers know we went overseas for Christmas, but I did manage to get my Christmas cards out to those I knew I would not see for a while. This included my friend who was always the first one to send the annual Christmas card, we did not get one before we left so I expected one to be waiting in the mail box when we returned.  There was no card last year.

My friend was found dead in her home a couple of weeks ago,  in a manner that does not bear thinking about. "He" rode a motorbike into the path of an oncoming truck a couple of days later, and was killed.

I have been pondering the whole thing over the last couple of weeks and wish that I had said or done something about the relationship earlier. I heard from one of her family she had been trying to leaving the relationship for a while, but she obviously couldn't tell her friends, and it hurts me to think that she did not want to let people know that her relationship was not the picture perfect one she tried to present to us all.

I have a lot of wishes and a wish list  in the last bit of this post:

I wish I had said to my friend, are you ok?

I wish I had told her of my reservations about her partner

I wish I had questioned him more about his past and hopefully got an insight into his character more

I wish I had rung or visited my friend after we got home from holidays

I wish she had told me she was trying to leave the relationship:  why didn't she, afraid to admit a failed relationship?

I wish that all of us make sure our friends/family are in healthy happy relationships and look out for warning signs and speak up if we fear otherwise.



I wish she was still here!

a blast from the past

I have been cleaning out my home computer files as it has really passed its use by date ( a bit like me some days) and I found this little piece I wrote in 1999... so in the spirit of recycling and being 100% environmentally friendly here it is!

What’s in a name

(or a Kate by any other name would be as sweet)

An observer piece by someone with multiple personality disorder

Have you ever wondered who you would be if you were not you?  This is not a deep philosophical question merely one of those annoying thoughts that occasionally gets into your mind and just won’t budge.  It may be due to a mid life crisis, but lately I have been wondering if my life would have turned out differently if I had a different name. Does our name define who we are to become, or do we become the name we are destined to be? I, like many, do not use the name I was given at birth and over the years I have been different versions of my name to different people.

This precedent was started early. My mother wanted me to be called Ann-Marie, and my father wanted me to be named after his mother, Kathleen. My mother exercised her perogative to naming rights as the “one who went through the pain and suffering of childbirth”, so my birth certificate was filled out as Ann-Marie. My father was given the task of posting said birth certificate and saw this as his opportunity to assert his male dominance, so with a dash of the pen he slipped a Kathleen in front of the Ann-Marie and thus it was that I became a Kathleen Anne-Marie. (I must at this juncture state how grateful I was that I was too young to remember the scene when the birth certificate arrived and my mother now found out that her daughter Ann-Marie was now a Kathleen. Needless to say this did not harbour well for marital bliss, although my parents went on to have two other children and as far as I know, there were no arguments over their names.)

So now I was Kathleen! It may have been due to my mother’s disappointment with my father changing my name but I was never Kathleen to her;  I was Kate. On the other hand,  to my father’s side of the family I was Kathleen. Imagine, dear reader, the pain of being two different people at such a tender age! Kate was a cheeky and vivacious child, while Kathleen was the quiet, good child. Kate was the girl who climbed trees, loved playing with the boys and was quite a sportswoman. While Kathleen, was a scholar, musician and writer. How these two totally different people managed to inhabit one person I cannot tell you, but it was certainly interesting at the time!

Over the years there have been battles between Kate and Kathleen for dominance, with neither ever becoming all powerful, when another personality emerged - Katie, and not just one Katie but two! There was kt who became an internet groupie and e-mail junkie and general geek  grrl ( that is not a spelling or typo either!)  who  was last seen flying through cyber space and katie o’ banrock a sweet Irish lass. This is how she  ko'b that it, was made her presence felt.

katie o’banrock (notice how she does not use upper case? That is because her parents were too poor to afford upper case letters) was imprisoned in a bottle of Banrock Station Cabernet Shiraz by a wicked leprechaun ( for no particular reason, other than he was having a bad day and she really pissed him off, you will have to wait for her autobiography to find out why!) and doomed to spend the rest of her days at the back of the shelf in the Bottle Shop. But, as fortune would have it Kate was at the bottle shop looking to purchase something for the big family gathering that was taking place the next day. She had heard her mother in law favoured a drop of the old Banrock Station and always one to please her guests she searched until she found some, and as luck would have it, there had been a rush on Banrock Station Cabernet Shiraz ( I think it must have been on a buy-one-get-a-dozen-free kind of thing)   and so there was only one bottle left …………………………………….. yes!  the one with katie o’banrock inside it.

I think we would have to say there must have be some cosmic intervention here, because the bottle of Banrock Station Cabernet Shiraz wasn’t opened at the big family gathering. Be grateful for small mercies, goodness knows what could have happened if katie o’banrock has been launched upon some poor unsuspecting person who had only the experience of being one person. But as luck would have it Kate sat down to enjoy a glass when all the guests had gone (Kathleen would never drink alone, and kt was too busy on the internet to think about drinking!)  and as she consumed the (entire bottle) of Banrock Station a strange metamorphosis began to take place,  she started talking in an Irish accent and memories of a place far  away came to mind   http://www.banrockstation.com.au/ 

 (I suspect kt probably was in on this!) and katie o’banrock was free!

And so now dear reader, I live with all four of them, Kate, Kathleen, kt and katie o’banrock. It can get a bit crowded at times, and if you can imagine four women living together it does get a bit bitchy but imagine how boring my life might have been if I had been Ann-Maire!

The End.

© the 4 Ks 1999.

Australians all let us rejoice.... Why?

I don't mean to put a dampener on anyone's Australia Day but I have recently been watching the ABC 4 corners 50 year birthday APP on my new iPad, (Yes I have an IPAD!!) and it has been quite interesting if not a little depressing to see how little things have changed in 50 years.

http://itunes.apple.com/au/app/four-corners-50-years/id487084761?mt=8

For example:
Stories from the last 50 years and my thoughts.

The parlous state of  the Indigenous People of this country, this story pops again repeatedly in each decade and is even today still an ongoing issue, why can't we get it right after all these years?

The power of the RSL clubs in setting the political agenda,  sound familiar? Poker machines and the proposed tax come to mind??

Crime and Punishment/Police Corruption, this is where 4 Corners in my opinion has made its most significant mark, some of you may be too young to remember such stories as: The Big League, Horses for Courses, The Moonlight State, Police Story (the prelude to underbelly NSW), Academy of Crime,  Fixing Cricket,  Melbourne Confidential, Supermax,  I could go on but you get my drift I hope...

The role of women in Australian Society, the fight for equal pay for equal work, the culture which celebrates men's sexual conquests but condemns the women as "moles, etc", the fight for decent affordable childcare and why are more women not involved in the decision making processes in this country in both politics and the boardroom.

Wars and Famines, Vietnam, Banned Aid, Indonesia, Rwanda, Gallipoli, Ethiopia, Bougainville, Yugoslavia, East Timor, weapons of mass destruction, Afghanistan, Iran, Iraq etc etc .....  Maybe if more women were running the show ( see point above) we may have less of these???

The treatment of Refugess and Asylum Seekers  we are still fighting over how we treat these people who often have risked their lives to find a safe haven, why is a country so wealthy so mean spirited?  How about taking some of our national anthem words and actually meaning them...... "for those who come across the seas we've boundless plains to share"


Mining, multi-national companies harvesting our resources, shipping the profit off shore and then leaving the australian people to deal with their aftermath, remember Wittenon and the "blue death".


Today is a day where we hopefully think about our good fortune to be living in such a country where most ( but not all,) have enough to eat, somewhere to sleep, an opportunity for an education and political freedom. To me,  being an Australian is not about wrapping yourself in a flag, instead it is  not allowing ourselves to become complacent and let others make decisions about our country because it is all too easy to blame the politicians etc.  We have a voice and we must use it to ensure that the values we hold dear of equality, social welfare, a fair go for all, are not eroded.

That is my soap box for today, in case you think I have taken leave of my senses here is something more amusing for Australia day from one of my favourite writers and broadcasters Richard Glover.....

http://www.richardglover.com.au/blog01.php

Perv Appeal

I am again in a hotel room, it's Monday night and there is definitely nothing on the box, so I thought I would do some stream of consciousness blogging, so here it goes......

I have just been watching a story on Australia's first road cycling team     http://www.greenedgecycling.com/   and I must say I did enjoy viewing the "team" and it got me to thinking what is it about a man in lycra suit, with legs ( that are better shaved than mine, I must admit) that got my attention? I like to think I am more a woman who likes a "cerebral" man ( no pun on my new role there!) but I find as I am getting older ( very slowly mind you) that a well turned calf can turn my eye, I like to call it  "Perv Appeal" a bit of a pun on that old real estate thing called "Kerb Appeal" which means you like it at first glance and want to take a further look!

I know the male of the species has always been driven to look for "Perv Appeal" but I wonder when did it become OK for us gals to do the same?  When I was a younger woman we used to say guys had "cute butts" even that might have been considered a bit risque but now it seems we all walk around with our eyes wide open all the time!  I got this expression from a  friend who used this expression, "I may be married but I still walk around with my eyes open"  ( hello Laszlo,!) a great way of saying I may be in a loving committed relationship, but Hell I still like to Perve!



They ( I am not sure who "they" are but they get a lot of press) say that young woman are often behaving more badly than the lads, so is this perving a sympton of a far wider problem? Can we envisage groups of middle aged women driving around our suburbs yelling at men on the street to "show us your calves/butts/biceps etc" or will the wet t-shirt competition be replaced by the man in  wet lycra competition?
will we secretly be taping the tour de france to feed our fantasy??  I can admit to this at least, I stayed up to watch most of the final days of the tour last year, my husband was in bed asleep , maybe that says it all!


so that you can see what I have been carrying on like a pork chop about, here it is!.....

Brain Drain!

It's Friday, 5.45pm have just arrived home from training in Sydney, pleased to report my significant other organised dinner and I have a gin and tonic in hand. (See,  never follow my own advice, see earlier blogs about drinking and blogging/texting etc)

Anyway it has been a great week learning new things and keeping Alzheimer's at bay, I hope, (isn't that the key to it, surround yourself with younger people and learn new things??). Anyway,  so now I have met my new team mates , but  I am not going to talk much about work because as you all know  I HAVE A LIFE, but it was interesting to see how things have changed in the protocol of the information you give people now when you meet them.

There's a lot of,  "are  you on Facebook, twitter, linked in, blogging" etc and it got me to thinking about how much do you want people you work with to know about you??? I don't mean that in a sinister way, but I,  and many others I suspect like to keep their work and personal like separate to a degree, so by giving away all your various contact outlets you are knocking down that invisible wall.  And YES if you were going to ask, I did give my twitter and blog details out! I am still new on it all  and need the followers !!

But what is the protocol, if someone from your work wants to be your friend on Facebook?  Do you say yes, and then let them see all the embarrassing things your family post on your wall? Or does the fact that  your co-workers follow your blog limit your  "freedom of the press" so to say??  Can what you write online come back to bite you on the bum metaphorically speaking??  ( that was my Carrie SATC moment there, in case you didn't notice)

This is totally random  (see I have the young persons lingo down pat),  but I have just done a spell check and the following words were flagged as not known, and please note I am writing this on a computer,  connected to the internet and using a Google site app to blog ( oh, I bet app will come up in the spell check too!)

Facebook
Blogging
Texting
online

and FYI   app did not come up in the spell check!

Well I feel I have done my community service for today, and now that it is officially the weekend I am off the  'av a good weekend!

A bit of self promotion here:
expect some great blogs next week, when the Glenquarry goddess goes to Sales Conference, there maybe a lot of twittering, blogging over .05 happening !
;-)

Missing in Action

I arrived home safe and sound, although it did take a day or 2 to get back on Oz time, As Dorothy Said

"There's no place like home"

anyway I was only home for 1 1/2 days and now ensconced in a hotel in Sydney while doing training for my new role at work. All going well (I think, anyway this is not about work) I do have a LIFE you know!


I have been  thinking about New Years Resolutions. 

I think they are a bit like wishes, if you tell anyone what you have resolved to change in the next year they won't come true, so I, for the most part have kept them to myself. I can't claim that I have any great success in keeping most of them, maybe I should have told more people so that they can make me keep my resolutions!

So I googled New Years Resolutions and the top result was : the top 10 resolutions ( according to http://pittsburgh.about.com/od/holidays/tp/resolutions.htm)  not sure if Pittsburgh has a monopoly on new years resolutions or that the people in Pittsburgh are particularly vocal about what their resolutions are but here they are. I bet you can predict most of them....





go on have a go


OK, here they are, and my musings on them.

1. Spend more time with family and friends.   (I think this is cheating as I  thought this was what everyone said on their death bed, so therefore not a resolution)

2.Get fit,  (I say "Fit for What" , please be more specific!)

3.Lose weight (Does anyone not have this one,   maybe Kate Moss??)

4. Quit Smoking ( Honestly, if you are dumb enough to smoke with all the info we have about its effect on your health, then please return to no.1 and read DEATH BED WISH!)

5. Enjoy life more   (Oh come on Pittsburgh, how bloody boring is this?  so does this mean for example being independantly wealthy and not having to work or marrying well ?  having more holidays?   or maybe living in a nice place?   then maybe that resolution should be, win lottery, marry rich man/woman, or maybe  move out of Pittsburgh??)

6. Quit Drinking  (Sorry, what about previous resolution no. 5 , isn't alcohol a part of enjoying life?) Well at least recovering from a hangover makes you appreciate life!

7. Get out of debt. (The answer: pls refer to resolution no. 5)

8.Learn something new, (how about how to quit smoking, quit drinking and balancing your budget?  that's a start a least) If all else fails, start a blog!

9.Help Others   (I feel I am doing a community service in bringing all this to your attention)

10.Get Organised   (I have made my resolutions, have you??)

Actually no.10 is very me, I live in organised CHAOS most of the time. And at the risk of not sticking to my resolutions  I am taking a  risk in letting you know this is my resolution for this year

(only 1, I do have a LIFE you know!)  and it is  from my BFF  Karen "Pats"Brown who told me once something her mother said and it makes a lot of sense to me ( I am a wife and mother too!)

"Don't  put it down, put it away!"  Please feel free to use any voice in your head that you have lurking there!

Baby Macbeth,     http://www.baby-mac.com/

I think Bev would say this! :-)


I think that is the answer to life! The key to keeping your life in complete balance, how to find everying when you need to, so that is my new mantra!

Anyway enough of my raving for tonight, can you tell I am in a hotel alone and there is not much of value on the TV?
thanks for reading!

Washing in Town!

Well, only in the hotel room anyway.
It's cold, really cold, I mean bone chilling cold and anyone who knows me well, knows that I never feel the cold, but I must say the I have met my Waterloo in Washington. Verity had to go to the sauna to warm up this afternoon!

Done the topless get on and get off bus, although due to the cold not much getting off  or topless action was happening. We did the Smithsonian museums of history and natural history today, I really loved both,  but my favourite was the history one. I saw Julia Child's kitchen and the red shoes from Wizard from Oz. Pictures to follow so please read on....

Julia Childs Kitchen table

the red shoes I am saving for tomorrow, have to have a reason for you to check back again, don't I?
I am about ready to go home. Here is my list of things that mean it is about time for you to go home.

1. You get tired of american accents

2. You get tired of hearing the said american accents everywhere telling you about all their inner thoughts,
(they are called inner thoughts for a reason!)

3. You think tips should be reserved for good service ( not as a substitute for a reasonable hourly rate of pay)

4. You begin to get paranoid about having every disease they have created a drug for!  ( watching too much TV!)

5. You cannot take said drug due to the amount of side effects !

6. You think a night in watching house and garden TV is preferable to going out to another restaurant

7. You are tired of saying where you are from, just want to answer NOT HERE!

Notice I had 7 signs!  There will be more o the 7 thing later in another blog, there has been a development!

Watch this space!